In March I took solitude to a whole new level. This in turn caused an increased hunger for it.
When I started this journey of solitude, the desire to have more time without the distractions and noise of the world grew. The opportunity arose in March. I went to a silent retreat weekend led by Laura Petherbridge.
How would I face almost a full forty-eight hours of no phones, computer, TV and absolutely no talking? I admit I find it difficult to talk to God in my head, so I have to talk out loud, so for me it was not total “silence”.
Communication was limited to two counseling sessions. We could not even talk at meals. That was a little awkward when you’re at an Abby and even the monks can talk to each other and your group sits there just looking at each other or our food.
My goal centered on this: no expectations. Let God be God and listen to what He had to say. Apparently I went in with expectations, for the first morning I felt frustrated. I desperately wanted to pick up phone, call my mentor, JoAnn, and go home.
My greatest fear came true: God’s voice was non – existent. I sat in the counseling session and cried and cried.
Laura looked at me paused then said, “Perhaps God is not giving direction because He wants to heal some things first. You expect the “hallelujah” moment when all He wants you to do is be still, soak Him in and heal some of the perceptions you have of yourself. You struggle with a lack of trust, fear, even hatred of self. I feel God is wanting to heal rather than give direction.” We sat in silence for a few moments.
“You’re also a doer,” she continued, “ You have to do and do and do in order to be a good Christian and what you really need is to learn to be. Then balance the two.”
I sat there stunned, but refreshed. I realized solitude isn’t always about what God wants me to do. Many times it’s just to sit and be still.
Laura spurred me on, “Let God speak to you and tell you who you are in Him. Find verses so that when the enemy plants seeds of self loathing, mistrust, or fear you can say ‘It is written… say the verse’, and he will flee.”
When I left the counseling session my first reaction was “Okay, God let’s get those verses.” But then the thought immediately came, “No, just be. He will show them to me in His time, in His way.” I found a fountain outside, sat down and enjoyed the nature around me.
The rest of the weekend went well. I basked in who He was, my Father.
I discovered in a deeper sense, that solitude centers on relationship.
God will tell me when He is good and ready and most importantly when He knows I’m ready to hear that “next step”.
One verse that stood out to me that weekend was Song of Solomon 7:10:
“I am my beloveds and my beloved desires me.”
God desires me. His desire for me, is to know Him in a deep an intimate way.
As much as I wanted to hear where I was headed, I needed to hear that the Creator of the Universe desires me. He desires all of me; every strength, every weakness, every flaw, every single part of me. He loves me that much. He desires to make me into more than I could ever dream. But most of all He wants me to be still.
How about it? Is it too big of a risk to take some time to be away, at a park, away from the distractions of the world, and be still before Him? Go without the phone, or expectations and let Him direct the time. He may just want you to enjoy a walk through His creation.
Be amazed and awed in the One who desires you.
If you are interested in attending a silent retreat, either click on Laura’s name within the blog or go to the link below.
http://www.laurapetherbridge.com/speaking/silent-retreats/
Solitude with the Father 