It’s been a long time since I have visited Solitude with the Father. Deep down I have longed to be here, but God has had different ideas. Which brings me to the word for my year; Hope.
In today’s world the word hope has strayed from its original meaning. It’s usually associate with a “maybe” connotation.
The true meaning of hope is “expectation, expect with confidence.” As I have been studying this word, I found a hard saying by Paul in his letter to the Romans.
“…but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character and proven character, hope;” (Romans 5:3-4 NASB)
Here it comes.
“and hope does not disappoint…”
The first time I saw this I froze, tears welled up and a little anger welled up with the tears. If hope (anticipation and expectation) doesn’t disappoint, then where was the transformation I prayed for last year? Where is the totally changed person I expected?
The only transformation that came was a deep depression, where I would do anything to go to a far away place and be alone.
I was praying and in the Word daily, yet nothing changed except the dusk turned to darkness without even a flicker of one star. It was terrifying. I have fought bouts of depression before, but nothing like this.
The last part of verse five says
“…because the love of God has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.”
How could this be because of God’s love? The Holy Spirit whispered to my heart. “Christine, hope is expectation without your expectations to be fulfilled. Keep your eyes, ears, and heart open — not set and stubborn. Hope doesn’t disappoint because transformation springs from the love of God. In trials, hope is the expectation of how God is going to refine you.”
What I realized, God is going to transform, and grow me in any way He sees fit. The depression was allowed, why? To show me, now is the time. The time to take care of deep seated issues, fears, anxieties. I was going to need help with it.
It’s been a process. And it isn’t over yet. But one thing I do know, because I belong to God as His beloved child, I have hope that healing will come. Transformation will come. Experiencing God in ways I never thought possible will come. Experiencing stillness and knowing He is God will come. I also know that it may not be in ways I think, but they will come.
It’s exciting and scary at the same time. With my eyes, ears and heart open to Him I wait in expectation with exuberant anticipation of what He will do. I have seen glimpses of Him through the dark. In fact, there are little holes He has punctured to let streams of light in. He will continue to work through the trials to grow me.
That is the best kind of hope.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts. Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So My ways higher than your ways. And My thoughts than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55: 8-9
Solitude with the Father 