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Posts Tagged ‘confusion’

If I were to describe my life right now, it would be a Pointillism painting.

 

This form of painting was developed in the late 1800s, in which an artist would dot the canvas with their brush.  In the beginning all you could see would be dots, but when finished a masterpiece.

 

There are many instances when I can see immediately what is happening.  God uses circumstances to produce new character or minister to others.  I can actually see parts of the completed project.

 

However, there are those seasons of my life, when all I see are dots here and there not seemingly part of anything.  The dots and circumstances are floating in the middle of nowhere without rhyme or reason.

 

Now is one of those seasons, and it has lasted for a long time.

 

Half of my life seems to be running in the car going here and there without stopping.  School drop offs and pickups, running errands, household chores, ministry and the list can go on.

 

Did I mention the lack of energy needed, not just for the above but the emotional and physical needs of my children?  I have two teenagers moving closer and closer to independence and a six grader who has been having a hard time adjusting to middle school. Then there are art shows, soccer practices and church activities. It’s a wonder I still have hair.  Oh, then there is that too – the pre-menopause years.

 

My brain always seems to hesitate, get confused, forgetful, fatigued, irritability, hot flashes, night sweats, “Please Lord help me” is the only thing I can cry.  And then I’m staring at all these “dots” of life and wonder what in the world is going on?  What influence am I having?  Have I done anything important?  I sense no direction, or guidance on where I’m to go or what do.  I’m in a sea of dots with no possible hint of how it all fits into the bigger picture.

 

Memories of the toddler years flash before my eyes. They were great times but yet, a nagging feel that I lost myself and who I was. I have no idea who I am anymore, nothing makes sense.  I feel like a failure at times. There isn’t even passion to do the things I love to do like write.  Are you tired yet?

 

While I sit here writing, the Lord gently reminds me I have spent so much time complaining to Him, that I have not asked “What is it You the Master Painter want me to see and learn?”  I have questioned so much concerning what I am not seeing, that I neglect to remember that He is working whether or not I see it or if He even desires to reveal it.

 

These “dots” of hardships and challenges are somehow part of the Masterpiece, but I am spending way too much time complaining to sit back and be content with where He has me.

 

Is it possible that He is saying, “Christine, this is not a time to be focusing on the area you want. Those things I have given you?  I’m putting them on the shelf right now.  Be content with where I have you right now.”

 

That’s hard to embrace, but I’ve decided to wait on Him.  I know He has it all under control and He has a plan, and it is perfect.

 

“For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not calamity to give you a future and a hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11 (NSAB)

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Why or Why Not?

I am a “why” person.  I need to know the whys and wherefores, the details.   This is especially applicable in my spiritual life, and God’s answers to prayer requests.

The other month I sent a letter out to an individual to ask them to write an endorsement for a manuscript.  For two years God impressed on my heart to send it to this individual.  I have to admit, fear ruled me; however, I finally pushed through the fear and sent her a copy with peace in my heart.

A month later the manuscript was sent back to me with a letter of regret.  Disappointment was definitely my reaction but their reasons were understandable, and sound.  God’s reasons were not understandable.  To be more precise, I didn’t know what His reasons were.  By the way, this is all part of the writer’s life, so I wasn’t surprised.

With tears streaming down my face, and looking to Heaven I said, “For two years You asked me to send the manuscript to her? So I did, and “regrets” is Your answer?  This is the second time you “nagged” me to send this devotional to specific people and in return I receive a rejection or regrets. Why did You want me to do this in the first place?  I was afraid this would happen.”  Nothing. No answer came.

The doubts started to creep in,  “Maybe I wasn’t being faithful in doing what He called me to do, not writing enough, or writing the wrong thing.” or  ‘I didn’t have enough faith that God could do it.”  Even as I write this, “Maybe the reason was because I didn’t send the manuscript two years ago,” comes to mind.

Several friends who had been praying on my behalf, responded this way, “He may not tell you the reason, Christine.  Maybe this was a lesson in obedience and trust.  Don’t be hard on yourself.  Yes, be disappointed but don’t second guess yourself or let Satan in to wreak havoc.” Not what I wanted to hear.  I needed reasons.

After getting over my snit I thought about what was said.  “Trust” could be the reason.  Trusting without an explanation could be the area that needs to be grown.

The next day one of those friends sent me a devotional confirming what they had been saying.  God is good. Although, I did have one other problem, I covered my feelings of disappointment and rejection with “It wasn’t God’s will” or “God is good”.  These statements are true and I believe them, but I thought they made me sound strong and spiritual, when in fact, I was hurting and confused even angry.  Until I took my true feelings of hurt and rejection to God, the emotions controlled my life

Sometimes He gives us reasons, and other times He doesn’t and wants us to trust Him.  It could be that I wasn’t ready yet to receive another endorsement.  Maybe the lesson was pushing through fear to obey.  I don’t know.  And to be honest, this concept will be a struggle for me.  To move the idea of not receiving an answer from my head to my heart will not be easy. But what I do know is that He is good and wants the best for me like any good father.  What better reason could there be?

How about you?  Are you a “why” person like me?  Is God withholding His reasons?  Sit back knowing that He is the sovereign God and wants the best for you.  He doesn’t shrink from our true feelings but wants to love us through them.  I can attest that not knowing is not easy, but He has something better in mind.  Trust Him with whatever the situation is in your life.

“Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for,

the conviction of things not seen.”

 

Hebrews 11:1 (ESV)

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